


I Hate You

by IlluminateandRelate



Series: I fix the end of Tokyo Ghoul [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, I'm Sorry, I'm torturing him worse than Ishida, M/M, Plz let me make Mutsuki happy, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Takes place before "Things Untold", Urie helps Mutsuki move back in, part one, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-15
Updated: 2018-07-15
Packaged: 2019-06-11 01:14:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15304185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IlluminateandRelate/pseuds/IlluminateandRelate
Summary: Urie helps Mutsuki move back in, they've both forgotten about the pictures. An opening to of his door brings them all back, all flooding, too much.





	I Hate You

**Author's Note:**

> IM SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG I WAS AT CAMP FOR A WEEK.
> 
> Anyways not too much to write here except this takes place before every other work in this series.
> 
> Trigger warning for self-harm.

Mutsuki’s fingers bent backward beneath the box, turning pink and white with the strain of the weight. It didn’t feel heavy- probably from the Quinx procedure- but somehow it still had the same effects as if he were normal. He shrugged it off. Proceeding to carry the overloaded cardboard box to the inside of the chateau.

After Dragon they all had been hospitalized for a short amount of time, mostly to stabilize vitals and general health after the fighting but Mutsuki wasn’t advised to live alone. They claimed it was so they could keep a watchful eye of his RC cell counts. _ He wasn’t stupid. _

He knew about the psych checks, the shrinks, surprising for a company like the CCG. Many investigators like Kureo Mado and Juuzou had gotten on for years without so much of a blink in their direction.

Maybe they were just afraid he’d eat them all.

Urie crept up from behind, pulling a hand out from beneath his box in order to open the door before stepping aside to allow Mutsuki in.

_ Urie. _

He felt as if they should talk as if they should be good now,  _ happy _ . Like the rooms shouldn’t be oddly silent if it featured just the two of them. Like the air should feel free rather than weighted. Like the weight on his chest shouldn’t increase each time they passed one another.

It was the same with Saiko.

With all of them.

Because no matter how much Mutsuki wanted to ignore it he simply  _ couldn’t _ . It had been far too long. Only one month since dragon but it still felt so much longer.  _ So much. _

He stepped in the doorway, the familiar scent of the chateau hitting him in a slam to the chest a mix of both nostalgia and maybe a bit of sadness. He took another breath, closing his eyes for just a brief second as Urie closed the door behind the both of them. Walking in further he saw the couch was the same though covered with scattered crumbs-  _ that was new. _ The lights as always needed dusting and Mutsuki wondered if they’d ever get that housekeeper they had begged Sasaki for.

_ Should he really be there still? _

The lump in his throat formed with the thought. The family, the start, grumpy Urie, too-happy Saiko, Shirazu, Sasaki-  _ that's where he’d belonged _ . These new Qs Higemaru, and the others. He only really knew Aura. That relationship hadn’t exactly been a good one.  _ Could he really hope to ever belong here again? _

The stifling air, the static, the people, and him. The killer of laughter in rooms and of smiles on faces.  _ The alien.  _ On their own, the quinxes didn’t hold well, not a ghoul, not quite entirely human.  _ He _ wasn’t human. He was barely even a quinx. Not if you looked at his diet.

_ “Even if I eat meat?” _

They’d told him he was okay, it was okay, that they were all okay. But no.  _ They were not okay. _ Okay people looked him in the eye. Okay people talked to him about the little things and not just when they had too. Okay people didn't leave the room when they were the last two, okay people didn’t pretend,  _ okaypeopledidn’tdidn’tdidn’t- _

“Your old room is still open, we can take these in there.”

 

“Okay”

Mutsuki followed Urie down the hallway, fingers tapping a wild staccato rhythm on the bottom of the cardboard in his hands. The hinges of the old door squealed something wild as Urie turned and pushed the old brass knob. He stepped forward, heading to follow the other boy when the vague memory of knives flashed before him.

“Wai-” He cried despite the fact Urie had already entered. His face alight with a fresh wave of panic as he sprinted into the room knocking Urie to the side in the process. The box toppled from his arms to the dust-covered carpet of the barren room- its contents spilling everywhere in the process. He felt his heart pound a thrumming beat against his ribcage as he floundered about the walls ripping and pulling at the photos that painted them.

“Wait, Wait, Wait!” He was breaking now, blood free-flowing thick and crimson from the slices in his hands created by sharp blades as he threw them to the ground. Ripping and tearing and shredding, god, god, god,  _ why was there so many? _ His vision blurred with unshed tears. It was all too sudden.  _ He shouldn’t fall apart so easily like this. _

“Mutsuki!”

He swiveled around, his white coat stained with dark splotches of blood as they soaked into the cotton fabric. 

He wished he hadn’t.

Urie’s face was pale, his expression of hardened remorse piercing a hole through his stomach and he felt the bile bubble into his throat.

“I’ve already seen it.” It was said through clenched teeth, his fingers balled fists at his sides.

Mutsuki’s jaw went slack. His green as wide and bloodshot as the tears began to spill.  _ He’s already- _

Each of the nerves on his face burning hot and quick with acidic shame because  _ no _ .  _ Not Urie.  _ Not the one who’d he’d reached, who’d seen  _ so. Much. _ of him without passing judgment. With softly spoken “I see’s” in dark and ugly rooms, who’d pulled him from just about everywhere, with “You can come home” with “ _ please” _ . He was so ugly,  _ too _ ugly. Urie didn’t need to see this,  _ had _ , already seen this.

His bottom lip quivered and he bit it. Tasted blood, fresh and warm dribble into his mouth.

Urie said nothing. The only flicker of a readable emotion was soft pity in those dark eyes.

He wobbled forward on unsure legs, his bloody fingers outstretched he clawed at Urie’s shoulders. Turning him, pushing, tugging him around and out.  _ Out. _ The combination of dark and tear-blurred vision making him blind to any expression that could be painted on those dark eyes and mouth.

A horrible ripping sensation rippled in his chest and he broke one sob out as he finished pushing Urie through the door and slammed it. Bolting it into place. He turned round to the wall, the vague outline of knives and torn photos still pinned to the wall. A disgusting reminder.

He curled his lip and rushed forward, tripping on whatever the fuck he’d dropped earlier as he blindly pulled and ripped. Desperate and clawing, begging for them to be gone. The once sharp pain of slicing knives becoming a dull welcomed sensation. He brought every ounce of bubbling and brewing pain up to his chest and stabbed at it with the stinging rips of the knives.

_ Getoutgetoutgetoutget-  _ “Fuck.” He kicked the wall, his toes curling back bruised from the blunt force. The wallpaper was ripped, one pale white and clean and now bloodstained and peeling. He let out a body-wrecking sob as his legs gave way beneath him.

Laying down on the cool carpet, his cheek pressed to the rough material, he let the snot and tears dampen it. The knives were around him, under him, uncomfortable reminders. He allowed his fingers to find one just under his leg. Picking up the blade and pressing the tip into his thumb. Relishing in the sharp stab of reality. The pain clearing up the haze.

_ I hate you. _

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading :) I hope you enjoyed this (I am so sorry Mutsuki I need to make you happy TT)
> 
> Follow/Scream at me (I will take commissions)
> 
> Tumblr: 
> 
> http://illuminateandrelate.tumblr.com/
> 
> Instagram: 
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/kirishimas.kagune/
> 
>  
> 
> I have to go camping AGAIN next week but I will have so much time to write. Not sure what my connection will be like but I'll see what I can do. Follow me on Tumblr for updates on my writing availability status. (Also let me know if anyone reads the notes or if I'm wasting my time writing these).


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